i am blessedly normal
I received the news. Still don't know either this is the fact or not. And you know? I failed, again. I keep failing. So bad. I feel unworthy and useless. At the age of 16 I haven't got the idea of who I want to be and what my passion is. I just hate everything about that. That's keep circling in my head. I don't know what to do. I feel discouraged and unmotivated. People say in order to succeed, you may not feel discouraged for every rejection and failure. I just can't relate. I am stuck. Tomorrow I'll be having some tests at my school, and I'm not willing to study. I feel tired of crying. Wasting long time to cry. Expecting someone to come and hug me and try to calm me down. So I texted some people to whom I put my trust to. But they barely cooled me down. I feel disappointed and stressed. Now all I want to do is just to sleep.
I just feel don't right. I am outta this world for real. I keep asking myself "when will I change?" Without giving any efforts to change even a single thing. I keep battling with myself. Wanting to curse and blame all thing over myself, but other part of me says that I should learn to love myself in this very situation. Today, the whole day is gloomy. Congratulations, ega, you just wasted a day without doing something. You are so negative today, and toxic. But you still have approximately 4 hours until the day ends. If you want to change, if you are tired looking at yourself, like I do, you better change right away. Today. Nope. Tonight. Do something to move on, break the negativity, do what you can do. Feel motivated and couraged. I miss you being positive for your surroundings, and for yourself, your beautiful own self.
Dear beautiful and kind Ega, I'm so sorry you've been through that in the past, I love you. But I have something here for you. A letter from your future self.
One thing that has not changed, you've always been so sincere and genuine to yourself, raw and honest to your feelings. And I really need you to be convinced that that's your power. You might have some bad days, but thankyou for always feeling when you need to feel and thinking when you need to think. You know what? I'm kind of okay now. Just all this oral tests from school have been depriving my lovely sleep time, and a bit of making me looked like a sleepy sloth. So when I read at your 'not-okay' self, I recall how bad it was. How hurt you were because of failing. How unworthy and useless you thought yourself were. In fact, you are not, dear. And in fact, it's okay to sometimes feel that way. It is really, really okay to feel discouraged when you're just being rejected from your big dream. It's okay to feel shit about some stuff. It's okay to not be able to process and relate to the situation. It's okay to think that everything doesn't make any sense. It's okay to cry. It's okay to expect for someone to reach out to you. It's okay to battle your own self. It's okay to feel confuse. It's okay if you just wanted to end the day with a sleep. They all remind me now about how human you were. How you are just like anybody else. And how so normal I am, blessedly normal. Please never invalidate your feelings when you have just gone through a shit day, honey. Please be kind to yourself. Please listen to a music, or write, or eat, or shower, or really, just sleep. I need you to waste a day to feel blue when you have just hit the rock bottom and rise up the next day when you have gained your power back. I need you to believe that you can always change whenever it is but giving yourself a break and space in between is a wise step to take.
Also, now that I'm 17. I still haven't got the idea of who I want to be and what my passion is. Maybe a bit clearer than last year. But still, it's foggy here. What makes things different is the fact that now I no longer stressing about it, but instead I learn to accept it. I no longer hate the fact that I haven't figured out the answer. And I no longer set 'people say' as my standard. If they say to hurry find your life purpose or to even dictate you what you are, let's just smile at them and leave. I promise you, honey, there's still possibility of you to be successful. Don't mind what most people say, darling. To add a note about what also still remain the same is that I still fight for it. It's good now that I've learnt to accept things, but I still am the very ambitious and determined me.
I've always been very grateful for who I was, who I am, and who I will be. And I've always been very blessed to be Legacy Sifra. <3