what i've learned so far in 2021

This morning God promised me 8 wonderful things: protection, rescue, answered prayer, His presence, deliverance, honour, long life, and salvation. This noon, 2 minutes before opening the LTMPT website, I jotted down His promises while listening to the music where it said, "ku percaya janji Mu ajaib." I was overwhelmed by His presence, I didn't cry after seeing the result but instead before.

Beginning of this year, I remember spending the whole of January applying to my dream school. I have a question. Have you ever felt so in love with a school before? You like it so much, it hurts. You dream about it, you visualize it, you pray for it. And when the time for you to apply comes, you put 1000% effort into the application, you squeeze every last drop of everything into your works. And eventually, you click the submit button. With your eyes closed, your fingers intertwined, you whisper, "God, I love this school. I put everything here. Can you help me with the rest?" You then wait so patiently until the day of the announcement. You are so nervous for a moment but the next minute, you jump in complete joy after seeing what's on the screen. You are beyond happy and grateful. "The last step of the process and I will be going afterwards!" You scream in excitement as you cover yourself with smiles. You know it's not over yet, you still have one remaining step for you to accomplish, the interview. You keep your heart to not fly so high that it forgets the land. You keep investing even more energy, time, and your soul into the preparation. When the day arrives, you stand just as tall and think that you are ready. You pass every single second of the day with a perfect mix of nervousness and excitement. At the end of the day, you are told that you will receive the final result in just one day. And then you can't sleep the whole night waiting for an email to be sent to your mailbox. You wait and wait. You keep waiting the whole day. But it's so obvious, no notifications pop out telling you that you got an email. The day ends and your deepest heart knows exactly that you don't make it. You stop. You try to process. But no, your brain is like an endless sea that is covered by thick fog. A single drop of liquid released from the corner of your eye. And then thousands more of them follow, creating a stream of water.

You were just putting yourself in my shoe if you really tried to imagine the whole thing. A quick thank you for you. I remember those days. It was just very uncomfortable even just to sleep or to wake up. I barely knew what to do. I stopped jamming to music, writing journals, and listening to the chirping birds in the evening. Now I realized, I was getting to the point where I was fully dependent on my dream. But hey, it's only a dream. A dream will not determine who I am, my identity, my value, and my worth. Three months ago, it broke me so much to be rejected when I knew I already gave my all, my brain kept wondering what did I do wrong? That's when I subconsciously opened full access for other things to affect me, to make me feel broken and unworthy. I let it broke me, and I let myself be broken. And I wasn't proactively trying to find the solutions. I was unaware. Things were mistakes. But, listen to me. I'm not here to deliver my feelings of regret to anyone, neither to you nor to my past self. I don't regret a single thing anyway. I only want to put my thoughts here as in the past months, I've grown to be a completely different person, another phase of change in my life. I am fully aware that I am allowed to make mistakes, hence the absence of guilt. And one last thing, I've learned that there are steps of grieving. And it is totally normal to experience some shock, denial, anger, doubt, here and there before bouncing back to life. I sincerely feel thankful for my past self, that in hard days, she still managed to survive! What a lady you are!

First Choice: HI - UPNVY

Second Choice: Ekonomi Pembangunan - UNUD

Now, I remember months ago I was struggling. The exact same day I faced that rejection, I signed up for UTBK. I remember the first day EVER I joined economics class, I was crying. I remember people were talking about elastisitas, PDB PNB, all those econ curves, and I had ZERO ideas about what they were about. I was only shaking. I remember the first Try-Outs, all I got were 300. I remember hugging mom every morning because it was just so hard to find strength within, so I relied on people. I remember I was told that it was impossible for a linjur stud like me to study everything in less than 2 months. I was told to spot even "lower" schools. I believed that tbh. I never knew about UPNVY, and I only touched freaking economics last March but I picked ekonomi pembangunan. LOL! I knew back then we were talking about strategy and the possibility was just high in those majors and schools. But again, things were mistakes. I was messed up. "Can I?", "But really, can I?" I asked myself hundreds of times, trying to find reassurance that comes from within but zero. At the moment, I was convinced by myself that I couldn't. There were just so many reasons for me to give up, I tell you. 

During tough days and weeks, I asked my closest friends, "can I rely on you?" It was already hard and it must be even harder just to imagine I have to go through all this alone. I am so blessed to have them. Velisa, Vani, and Yori were truly angels. They were the ones who privately text me every day asking me my favorite question, "how was your day?" They knew how fragile I was, they knew I need them the most in that kind of time, and they welcomed me with a very warm hug. Both Io and Eif were so understanding at home. Io checked on me regularly, asking a high five, he would know I was good if I replied to his high five. Eif would come over to my room and hugged me. Mom was also checking on me regularly. She would visit me in my room, sometimes she just stayed for half an hour doing nothing but looking at me studying. Some other friends showered me with love, with their own ways of showing affection. And I know there were people's prayers accompanying me through the horrible times. Last, God. I know He was 24/7 up for me, sometimes my mind was just foggy and it was hard for me to recognize His presence. But I know He was there, He always there.

Last part. It's when what I believed through the hardest parts are really happening. What kept me going was the thought of life must go on, there will be good days ahead, and Psalms 23:4. Those were my living verses. The idea of believing that I deserve happiness, and I will reach the day when I feel sincerely happy and content. The faith that I had in Him. And It was not quick I promise you, I was practicing to even put a smile on my face. I was learning to enjoy the chirping birds and sun shines in the morning. I put effort to feel happy and at peace. I prayed a lot. and I was patient. And somehow it brought me to today. It's safe to say that June is my happiest month of the year by far. Everything's just so balanced, I kinda figure out what my pace is now in life, and God's peace covers me all day, all time. I just wanna cry out in happiness and peace and joy and grace! It's not because of the PTN, or because I no longer bear the pain of being rejected from my dream school, but truly because I know that there is exactly a greater source of happiness and contentment than anything else: God.