well, 2021. this is for you.
"Huft, thank God," I whisper to myself as I find a seat on the crammed train. After I position myself comfortably and scan through my belongings, I take a headset out of my blue tote bag that now sits on my lap. Now the music is dominating my hearing, shutting all of the other kinds of noises from coming into my ear. It's like the volume of the loud world is turned down and the slow melody is now rolling gently. Sometimes it feels like this is the only time the universe allows me to be still. And it's bad because at this very moment I tend to feel the most lonely. Just like all the hustling bustling of the city combined with the sound of trains passing by and the long absence in between, life also feels so much fast and demanding until having a moment to pause becomes a luxury. Now I sit on my bed, finally having some time to capture my feelings, my thoughts, the memories of 2021, and put them into words. I am ready.
If there's only one word to describe the year, to describe my feelings, that word must be blessed. In fact, each year brings its own blessings to me. And I am eternally grateful for that fact. To begin with, I started off the year by having a bowl of Indomie. Yes, that's very healthy of me to eat noodles on the first day of the year. My family and I were back in our hometown last January. We were having the best time.
I've been enjoying Samosir & Medan. I love it here but I kinda miss home, I miss my room. By the way, UWC is opening today!!! I don't know why it's on time. I enjoyed my holiday fully, I thought I wud be starting the essay since @ Samosir. But now I can fully focus on my essay. I can't thank God enough!
I was basically putting so much effort, energy, and time into my application for the abroad school in the first months until God said the time for me to fly across the globe will come, but not 2021, the year according to my plan. To be honest, God, it's still hard to accept the reality until this very second but thank you, really though, thank you for giving me another incredible path to walk on. But still, God, that one rejection was really hard. If only Adele made her comeback around that month, 'Go easy on me, baby' would freaking suit my situation best. That would be my jam while crying my eyes out every night. But no, in all seriousness, though, pursuing education abroad was and still is my big dream. Failing at it never felt great. I think I shared a lot enough for you to know how desperate I was. I wrote a lot and the emotions I turned into paragraphs were various. I understand now that it was not only the time of sorrow, but it was also the time for me to grow insanely fast. In that phase, I also learn to not depend on myself alone but instead on God and the people God sent me. I learn that failures really humble me. It teaches me what being grounded really means. I learn how to reevaluate my dreams, not making them any lower, just reevaluating them. And one thing, I learn that life must go on. No matter how hard the day is, the sun will always rise. I know I grew myself stronger wings, I can now fly higher.
I wrote in my diary: 21:09/5:3
I bounced back, I think. Life must go on. Jupiter is still not moving. And ... Phoenix principle. God really strengthens me. So many people, I believe, have prayed for me. And actually, so many people have shown me that they care. Greatest gifts from God they are.
The night I knew I was not leaving Indonesia, I signed myself on a course for UTBK preparation. It's crazy until now to think about it. I was majoring in science back in high school, but I decided with very little time I had to study social for university. Less than two months, yes. With all the tests approaching the end of my high school year occupying my agenda, I never thought I made it through. Kak Ester was with me, one of the highlights of the year. She comes to my life just perfectly. Until she finally left to get married, I am a firm believer she is a good person God sent me.
Those 2 months of grinding on the desk were paid off. I graduated, and before I was accepted at one university in Jogjakarta, I took a month off. May was plain. It was a month for me to finally be able to digest my feelings and comprehend things that were happening in my life. It was a month for me to wrap my mind around and keep my head sane. If only that month did not exist, falling apart would be inevitable. June was straight up my happiest month of the year! I was preparing for SIMAK UI that month but with so much happiness. I took the responsibility with full grace and excitement. I was feeling stable and balanced. Mostly because of all the time I invested in myself spiritually and mentally. I also learn that I can always use routine and habit as a tool for me to balance out my life. It always feels good for people like me to have things organized and under control. Besides the ups after the downs, June was also my birth month! 5 days after celebrating my 18th birthday, God sent me a not-so-late birthday gift as I opened a website that said I was accepted into Universitas Indonesia. I was a little bit stunned by the gift after learning that I was now an Accounting student. And yet again, the journey began.
To sum up the whole extraordinary and nerve-wracking couple of months into some paragraphs will never make you understand in one bit about the struggles. Here are some real-moments words that I wrote down during the process.
I'm applying to SIMAK :) I hope I'm responsible for what I choose. I prayed before picking the majors. What do I feel? Quite strange, I feel very light and easy. I have thoughts that I'll get in no matter how crazy the probability percentage is. Just purely thought. I still don't want to be overly confident. I just feel sincere and genuine about this.
5 minutes before opening the result of SIMAK. I'm so nervous. This is just another result-opening in my life. There will be plenty more in my life. I will never be a pro at this. But I want to get used to this kinda time & feeling. I think what I can do in the midst of my own stormy feelings & uncertainty is to be still. God will fight for me.
July was a month of transitions. I was now no longer a high schooler. I was a college student. Taking a new role was never an easy task during the pandemic periods. Things were done virtually, including making friends and studying new subjects. Oh, don't forget about my brother, Lionel, he was leaving for school to Medan. Being at home without him around was a huge event in our house. We all went through big adjustments. Especially with the fact that Papa was also leaving for work. Home felt a little vacant. Weirdly enough I found myself not liking it. After all the huge shiftings here and there in my life, I started to enjoy my life back, my busy life, my extroverted life, my always-talking-to-new-people life. It felt good to finally come back to the version of me before the pandemic. Until, by the end of August, my family and I were tested positive for COVID-19. (Yes, 2021 was that unexpected and crazy and aaalll). What made it worse was it happened just days before the academic term started. I cried a few times, but mac n cheese helped me survive. :) Never forget about red velvet, nachos fries, and a cup of chatime. When push comes to shove, I learn something yet again. I learn that it's okay to cry a good cry. You can always order some pizzas or yogurts afterward. Or you can always tell yourself, "I think that's a lot to process for now. Let me wake up tomorrow better."
It's been fun, so much fun. I tell you. Talking to new people, making friends, socializing. Something I missed, a lot. I enjoyed these days but I too miss my reflective slash contemplative time.
The journey I have in college, I believe, is just a part of my big life. I met a lot of different people with different backgrounds here. I encountered a lot of new situations as well. When faced with these new circumstances, it always satisfied me to eventually come back at myself and ask a few important questions at the end of the day. I observe and analyze and learn along the way more about myself, about the people around me, and even about life!
dua tujuh tiga garis miring tiga enam lima. menyambut oktober, si anak ke sepuluh. terima kasih banyak, sembilan. sampai jumpa di tahun dua puluh dua. semoga indah nanti. semoga banyak yang ku dapat seperti di sini, dua puluh satu. masih dalam masa menginternalisasi realita dunia sendiri. mencari tahu, bergugup ria, kembali kuat dan percaya diri, ragu, namun terbakar si semangat. semoga panjang umur, selamat, dan bahagia.
2021 was about being grounded. I deeply learned the dynamic of life. The art of ups and downs in life. It truly taught me a lesson, a word that sums it all, grounded.
2021 was about connections. Say I'm having a romantic bond with another person or really, whatever. Even with coco, I learn about connections. It's not easy, but I'm willing to give it a try!
2021 was about time. Time, I believe, will fix. Time will heal. And the time that comes from God will always be perfect. Without doubt, without question.