incandescent

i think i left my soul in bayas. i left my soul in between the vivacious laughter and dazzling stares and rosy cheeks and hopeful beams and warm nudges of the kids there. i left my soul in a sack of duku delivered by pak ahmad and pak wan they just farmed the evening before. i left my soul on those walks to school and back to posko. i left my soul in the gentle breeze, scorching sun, and subtle drizzle during the daytime. i left my soul there, with the people who own the whitest and softest hearts and with everything bayas has. 

i’m still trying to process the different world i’m in right now—the different reality, the different people, the different routines. here presents many cars, clear water, soft mattresses, speedy internet, eif, and mama. but there is no safiq and fadli and robi here. there is no pak hamim and pak son here. there is no mas agung and bu haji here. there is no panitia and pengajar here. i used to miss this city, and felt like i belonged here. but tonight i learned the fact that a part of my existence will always belong there, in bayas. 

to bayas, i will remember the deepest nights of sleep i had during my stay, you comforted me so much, because you hugged me and welcomed me and embraced me in your lap. i will remember how you invited me to put my life on hold for a while, for me to give my everything. i will remember how you gave so much to me, the lessons i will never learn in any classrooms or take in any subjects. i will remember your singular street downhill or uphill that took me to school in the morning, to kids’ homes at noon, and to posko in the evening. i will remember the many shades of sky you offered and indulged me with. i will remember the warmest hugs and sweetest talks from your kids, how i realized pretty late on this journey that their love was so big and genuine, and how i will never be able to reciprocate any of that love. 

to the kids i love so dearly and deeply, you live forever with my spirit and mind. you stay forever in my prayers. know that it’s my greatest wish in this lifetime to see you all grow and become the best versions of yourselves. bu ega desperately wishes that each and every one of you dare to dream—i’m afraid i haven’t done enough, but you know i have whispered in your ears many times the reality you all deserve to have, the life you all can choose to live.

to the mother nature where my body rests in contentment and my mind flows with tranquility, as long as i breathe, i will remember how my body floated like a feather on that endless sea, how my feet touched the pillowy sand on that shore, how my tongue tasted the salty water i resisted gulping. i will, in this lifetime, remember the rainbow that formed half a circle on the horizon in which i can see with my bared eyes the tip of both ends, the drizzle that never ceased but succeeded in making the scene more misty and dreamy and unreal and magical, the line of dark blue that divided the coexisting sky and sea, the half warm and half cold water where my body was submerged and welcomed, the coral reefs that scared me as their shades were dimmer, the wood dock where my body fell off and laid face upward as i ran towards the end to take a leap. i will remember that in that heavenly place, i feel so insignificant and powerless—my mere existence belongs to a bigger realm.

i will never be able to move on from that heaven—i'm just praying that the universe will be kind enough to make our paths intertwined again. while waiting for that to happen, i’m praying to any higher power to take care of us, even when we’re miles away.