berlin, 1 month.

I’m currently seated in awe and unease, in a contradictory state of mind as I try to make sense of the distinct world around me. Here’s my attempt to decipher my spiraling thoughts and feelings.

I’ve been casting vacant stares onto the street from the warm, yellow-colored bus I’m always on—observing and absorbing the world around me. People tend to walk fast, there are so many cool cars, construction is everywhere, and people drive on the right side of the lane—something I haven’t grown accustomed to even now. There are countless and constant currency conversions and multiplication calculations happening in my head—especially when deciding whether to trade four times the amount for eating kebab or for a flight ticket to Budapest. There are also countless and constant language conversations occurring in my mind—when reading the signage, talking with the locals, listening to lectures, and having conversations with fellow Indonesians. Here, I’m becoming an acute indecisive individual, struggling to decide what to cook for lunch, opting for which postcard is cuter, choosing whether to save up or indulge myself with another bag of chips, and the worst: selecting what to wear for the day—largely due to the indecisive weather, like the sudden drop from 31°C to 10°C, for instance.

With all these subtle and abrupt changes occurring, I find myself yearning for a sense of stability and familiarity—I’ve been longing for home. I look forward to calling my mom every morning, I savor every meal that tastes like home, I miss the ability to phone my friends anytime without the limitation of time differences, and I always think to myself that I took Gojek for granted. I think of the people back home in many moments I encounter, and I constantly remember my birthplace—which was the very message imparted to me just before I set off.

Being here also serves as a reminder of how it all started. I was young and audacious when I protected the faintest flicker of faith that remained in me, when I dared to dream. I didn’t know it would take me this far, or maybe I kind of knew. What I didn’t know was, “How far along will that faith take me?” and that led to the birth of other real questions: “Am I becoming the person I want to become?” and the shortest but the strongest, “What’s next?” Like, really, “What’s next?” So here I am, embarking on this grand mission to figure life out. I came here bringing life’s questions, expecting to fill in the blank before my time is over, although during the one month I’ve spent here in this bliss, I’ve grown fearful of opening the assignment paper and doing the task.

And in the quiet aftermath, I’m deeply thankful. I randomly pause my activities once in a while to ask myself, “How did I get here?” because I’m genuinely filled with overwhelming gratitude.