2022 in retrospect
A mild and gentle breeze brushed my hair. The silence and stillness hugged me, almost as if they knew how to comfort me. The floor beneath me was particularly chilly unlike what was above me; the sky was colored as blue as Argentina's flag while the sun was doing its job, radiating warmth. A triangle-shaped garden of green, full of ornamental plants, sat right before me. My daisy patterned full of stickers journal joined me on my lap completing the scene. On this kind of sunny and solaceful day, I felt embraced, almost as if the whole universe conspired to cheer me.
I took a long deep breath and let a sigh out as I felt it escaping my lungs, sliding down my nostrils, slightly touching the tip of my lip, and finally uniting with the air. Those small sighs expressed the all-encompassing feelings of exhaustion and helplessness, but sometimes of gratitude. These small rituals took place every time I feel suffocated of basically ... life. After a long hour studying at the desk, after one hell of a week, after a tiring clean-up and laundry day, or after a full day of feeling lonely. There are times, though, when I did this because all I wanted was to just clear my head and get back on track. It's either a very messed-up day or an ordinary day, but regardless, I always found my way to those quiet and serene moments with myself.
And that's where I start. Tranquility is one of the accesses to vulnerability and the beginning of this long overdue self-scrutiny post. So, this is 2022 in retrospect.
To describe the year as an amazing year is an understatement. I can’t help but think of how so many things have happened and so much of myself has changed in only 1 year. When I conjure up through the lens of my imaginary memories, so vivid like a 4K video, 2022 was rolled into a film full of scenes and clips. My future self will love to watch this movie but just in case I fail to remember sometime in the future, I’m writing this down.
I don’t think this is the best story to start off with (now I’m laughing at myself because of how silly this is!), but life is so random. Some days you meet someone and have butterflies in your stomach. You learn how to welcome a person into your life, you learn how to trust, and you learn a little bit more about yourself; about what you like and what you don’t like. But then the other day you make a U-turn and bawl your eyes out. You learn how to say goodbye, you learn how to let go. And you also learn a few other lessons; sometimes time doesn’t side with you, sometimes humans just need a lot of time to change and it’s not your fault to feel enough of the waiting. There they are, lessons learned. But new days come and new stories unfold. You might encounter another person again but eventually end things again. You might make some mistakes and it’s okay. And at last, lessons learned again; don’t trust someone so easily and overlook warnings, never settle for less, and know your own worth. Despite everything, those experiences were worth trying. I’ve changed a lot in ways that I’m more audacious, open-minded, and honest. Part of adulting, I’d call it. Part of life, my mom would say.
I’m always in awe when I look back at 2022; people that complete me and memories that color some parts of my life. The first semester of 2022 felt like a transition process for me; somewhere where I felt fully adjusted to the madness of campus life but also somewhere before the real—when I say real, I mean real—madness of campus life arrived. I remember I had my first, and thank God it was also the last, breakdown throughout the year. I was busy with my first-ever MUN event running while stealing time in between to finalize my application files for BEM, all the while still teaching primary students. Not to mention we still need to add campus assignments, quizzes, and all into the mix. It wasn’t that juggling things up was new to me, but there were certain points in time when you reached that limit, when all you felt was nothing but exhaustion. Now that I’m seeing back, I remember how powerful a single hug can be at such time. When going through a gray and cloudy day, dull and sunless sky, I learn that your friends and family are there for a reason; borrowing their shoulders to lean on for a moment. Dusted myself off, got back on my feet, and proceeded with life after telling myself to know when to hit the brake. After all, life is not always about running at full speed. We are all allowed to take time.
Approaching the end of my freshman year felt bittersweet to me. It’s just a bunch of different memories coalesced at once. A lot of last times; last time undergoing online finals, last time teaching my forever beloved students, last time hanging out with Kezia before she departed, and last time seeing Inang. Yet a lot of first times too; first time bumping a car into the concrete barriers on the highway, first time meeting Jella in person, first time going on a binge, and first time attempting a double date (highly NOT recommended lol). It’s just a bunch of making big decisions and adjustments in my life. A lot of bold ‘NO’. Yet a lot of ‘let’s try this’ too. Quitting a lot of things and stepping out of comfort zones might be uncomfortable sometimes, but as I was aware that change is the only constant in life, I was hopeful and faithful that good things would come. Good things indeed came!
The second semester of 2022, the first semester of my sophomore year, I don’t really know how to put it out other than—Life was very vibrant. Living alone (read: ngekos) was very new yet bizarrely thrilling to me! I’m not trying to romanticize this experience as certainly with all the excitements come also the hurdles and hardships, but I was truly sincerely enjoying every bit of it; walking and taking the shuttle bus to campus (iya, I wasn’t always that rajin, I ordered Gojek sometimes), grocery shopping every weekend, learning how to operate a washing machine (thanks to Youtube), installing ceiling lights (big brain moment cause I only have a swivel chair), deciding on what to eat and what to wear and trying not to take so much time because I am indecisive. This is probably an unpopular opinion but I’d say living alone is not as bad as I thought initially. Though it’s unfair if I don’t point this out, I have those days when I called my mom crying, asking her to come and visit me, those days when I took paracetamol thinking everything would be much easier if I had my mom around with her jahe anget and ‘Kakak, tidur lagi aja biar cepet sembuh.’ I’m saying the struggle was real but at the end of the day, things will be okay. That’s a big key takeaway from my first time living alone.
The ‘life was very vibrant’ diary doesn’t stop there. In fact, so much more than that. First of all, what is as certain as day and night are offline schedules, lectures, classes, and tests are way TOUGHER than the online ones. Especially tests. Examination weeks were the wildest; 24/7 sleep-deprived, coffee was the new water, endless studying hours, and dry shampoo and concealer were my friends. At some points, I’d look at myself in the mirror and mistake myself for a lifeless zombie. (That’s an exaggeration but still). Outside this crazy academic situation was an organization and committee life that never ceased. Life was somehow balanced, just not the ‘balance’ we commonly define. Here’s what balances things—On this term only, I was active in two places; MUN Economix and Pengmas BEM FEB UI. It was my second time this year running an MUN event, but now I was enrolling in the journey with a different POV, position, and responsibility. Made it through with the help of gorgeous people around me, especially Teo, my partner! As for Pengmas, I really don’t know where to start. Or probably let’s start with the beginning of it all; the why—I wanted to give back. I was always certain that I wanted to be involved in things that allow me to give back. But little did I know, here I received so much. I received so much that my heart was full. We conducted many events in ways that help some communities and places thrive; distributing staple foods to our faculty’s workers, running a beach cleaning event, opening donation for an orphanage, starting a blood donor program, conducting a teaching and traveling program in a rural area out of town, regularly creating contents around mental health awareness as well as campaigns about environmental issues with the theme of sustainability, and the list goes on. I’ve never felt so fulfilled my whole life after executing each and every one of these events. The most rewarding thing is to witness how they radiate joy and happiness through the glow in their eyes. And the most fun thing is to embark on this journey with 8 folks now I call family.
Before this gets too long, I think it’s just wise to give a shoutout to every people that have been playing important roles in my life. You know who you are. 2022 was remarkable because of you. And also a little self-indulgence moment, I’m giving myself credit. May you be reassured that you’ve done great. You are growing in the right direction and walking in the right path.
For every path crossed, experience unlocked, memories created, mistakes made, lessons learned, I am eternally and deeply grateful.