dear my bubble

i think i left my soul in bayas. i left my soul in between the vivacious laughter and dazzling stares and rosy cheeks and hopeful beams and warm nudges of the kids there. i left my soul in a sack of duku delivered by pak ahmad and pak wan they just farmed the evening before. i left my soul on those walks to school and back to posko. i left my soul in the gentle breeze, scorching sun, and subtle drizzle during the daytime. i left my soul there, with the people who own the whitest and softest hearts and with everything bayas has.  i’m still trying to process the different world i’m in right now—the different reality, the different people, the different routines. here presents many cars, clear water, soft mattresses, speedy internet, eif, and mama. but there is no safiq and fadli and robi here. there is no pak hamim and pak son here. there is no mas agung and bu haji here. there is no panitia and pengajar here. i used to miss this city, and felt like i belonged here. but tonight i learned

20 years ago, right around this time, a little family was celebrating the birth of a female infant. Now, after growth took place, that thing is blowing out a 20-numbered candle and making 20 soundless wishes.  For months now, the scary thought of turning 20 has been living rent-free in the back of her mind. What's so scary and so big about it? The uncertainties. Isn't it just the nature of the future? Well, it becomes scarier when you add 'turning 20' into the variables. It then again becomes way even scarier when you add responsibilities and expectations into the variables. At least that's the case for her. She has always been the most impatient about life and what it has to offer. Most of the time, she seeks challenges. She also gladly welcomes new chapters in her life. But for months now, she has been kind of cranky about this very idea of turning 20.  20 seems like a very problematic number on today's episode. But as she blows out the candle and makes despe

A mild and gentle breeze brushed my hair. The silence and stillness hugged me, almost as if they knew how to comfort me. The floor beneath me was particularly chilly unlike what was above me; the sky was colored as blue as Argentina's flag while the sun was doing its job, radiating warmth. A triangle-shaped garden of green, full of ornamental plants, sat right before me. My daisy patterned full of stickers journal joined me on my lap completing the scene. On this kind of sunny and solaceful day, I felt embraced, almost as if the whole universe conspired to cheer me.  I took a long deep breath and let a sigh out as I felt it escaping my lungs, sliding down my nostrils, slightly touching the tip of my lip, and finally uniting with the air. Those small sighs expressed the all-encompassing feelings of exhaustion and helplessness, but sometimes of gratitude. These small rituals took place every time I feel suffocated of basically ... life. After a long hour studying at the desk, after o

it’s a completely opposite day. i never thought i would ever be here. seeing her all smiley and talkey never gave me the thoughts of her being like this.  in reminiscence: inang was in UGD at the time. she was unable to speak. her body was tangled in so many different tubes. she was unable to move. her hands were all tied up to the side handle of her gurney. her eyes opened wide with a stream of fluid flowing out of that place, her cheeks were always wet. there was this huge white oxygen tank next to her head. her nose was occupied by the blue oxygen mask that didn’t even fit her small face. the function of her organs dropped constantly within a couple of hours and in this case, doctors and nurses needed to inject i-don’t-know-what fluid from her veins. there was also a heartbeat monitor that produced a very loud and intimidating sound, you can immediately hear it from afar when entering the room. this thing sits right next to the other side of the head. talking about the room, she was

i like how life these past few weeks has been vibrant. i re-learn again the fact that i love being with people. i cherish the enjoyment of feeding my extrovert soul by hanging out as much as the exhaustion it gives at the end of the day. i, weirdly enough yet voluntarily, love doing chores i never once loved. i kinda like my new habits and routines here. waking up to nobody but myself, sometimes fighting with my thoughts about things i should decide on (whether to wear oversized jeans or tight formal pants, to skip breakfast or to swallow chocolate cereals with almost stale milk, to walk or to order gojeqq). i like how i take care of my belongings and errands all by myself. i like it being in my own space and busy doing endless assignments. i kinda like it when my brain does this simple calculation and budgeting before every purchase occurs, cause now im officially #anakkosan.  i think these are all parts of the journey, and it’s gratifying to think that im actually growing through thi

" Huft , thank God," I whisper to myself as I find a seat on the crammed train. After I position myself comfortably and scan through my belongings, I take a headset out of my blue tote bag that now sits on my lap. Now the music is dominating my hearing, shutting all of the other kinds of noises from coming into my ear. It's like the volume of the loud world is turned down and the slow melody is now rolling gently. Sometimes it feels like this is the only time the universe allows me to be still. And it's bad because at this very moment I tend to feel the most lonely. Just like all the hustling bustling of the city combined with the sound of trains passing by and the long absence in between, life also feels so much fast and demanding until having a moment to pause becomes a luxury. Now I sit on my bed, finally having some time to capture my feelings, my thoughts, the memories of 2021, and put them into words. I am ready. If there's only one word to describe the year

This morning God promised me 8 wonderful things: protection, rescue, answered prayer, His presence, deliverance, honour, long life, and salvation. This noon, 2 minutes before opening the LTMPT website, I jotted down His promises while listening to the music where it said, " ku percaya janji Mu ajaib ." I was overwhelmed by His presence, I didn't cry after seeing the result but instead before. Beginning of this year, I remember spending the whole of January applying to my dream school. I have a question. Have you ever felt so in love with a school before? You like it so much, it hurts. You dream about it, you visualize it, you pray for it. And when the time for you to apply comes, you put 1000% effort into the application, you squeeze every last drop of everything into your works. And eventually, you click the submit button. With your eyes closed, your fingers intertwined, you whisper, "God, I love this school. I put everything here. Can you help me with the rest?&quo

One little girl clad in a shabby coat just arrived before an enormous yet, really, when you take a quick glance at it, a strange and confusing styled gate. She walked the way most kids age 7 - 8 would walk, a bit of leaning her body to the right and to the left, the only thing making her looked normal and ... cute. She was using what seemed to be inherited shoes, it's also a bit oversize. And her neglected curly hair was tied upward, not exactly the type of neat bun. Appearing with eyeglasses, she looked around with a perfect composition of curiosity, fear, and awkwardness. As confusing as this might sound is the scenery that existed in front of this girl, a gate, a huge bizarre gate. Some times later, a man dressed in also peculiar ways showed up and handed her a card. Not too big I'd say for a size of a card, it fits the palm of her hand. It was written there "Welcome to Life!" The girl, like anybody of us here who is now reading or even me who writes, was confused.

February 12, 2020  10:20pm I received the news. Still don't know either this is the fact or not. And you know? I failed, again. I keep failing. So bad. I feel unworthy and useless. At the age of 16 I haven't got the idea of who I want to be and what my passion is. I just hate everything about that. That's keep circling in my head. I don't know what to do. I feel discouraged and unmotivated. People say in order to succeed, you may not feel discouraged for every rejection and failure. I just can't relate. I am stuck. Tomorrow I'll be having some tests at my school, and I'm not willing to study. I feel tired of crying. Wasting long time to cry. Expecting someone to come and hug me and try to calm me down. So I texted some people to whom I put my trust to. But they barely cooled me down. I feel disappointed and stressed. Now all I want to do is just to sleep. February 16, 2020 8:20pm I just feel don't right. I am outta this world for real. I keep asking myse

2020 was a blessing. I was blessed, completely. I am sharing this from a magical island located on the northside of Sumatera, Samosir. A place where my father has grown up. Toba lake sits right behind his home colored as blue as the sky, they almost merged but thanks to mountains and hills, as far as you can see, there will be green between two blues. A mile away from the lake, a herd of buffalo are peacefully eating grass. The wind blows hard while the sun is doing its job, showering this heaven on earth with warmth and light. I am not lying, this is a blessing. At least for me personally, cause now I'm here. But wherever you are, don't you think you have received enough blessing? I still remember early on this year how I cursed the year, how quickly I judged it without slowly processing, being grateful, and witnessing until the end. I didn't really understand how the universe was going, how God was doing. And to be real honest, no one really does? But one big takeaway fro

I am here again. Sitting on one out of two green chairs in the balcony of my parent's room. The balcony is bigger than my room, situated in the front part on the second floor of my house. The crystal blue sky spreads wide as the sun showcases its radiance, making it even more visibly stunning to see. The green plant, not too big yet solid, buried half of its body in the soil, wearing white vase as its clothing. And me, clad in a red sweater and a loose and short, floral print skirt. The wind is blowing so heavily, it's easy to hear the sound of metal thumping on my neighbor's rooftop. My brother and his friends are playing basketball in a small basketball court that once was a parking lot, renovated by my father just right in front of my house. I, who sits in the balcony, have direct access to the sound of the balls being dribbled. And this evening, very oddly, the birds my dad owned are not chirping. But it doesn't make the situation any less comforting. I sit before m

  this morning i woke up next to my mom a little bit pushing me to the edge of my bed. i was pulling my face away from her, sharing half of the space - the very small space, given the fact that i own a small compact bed - for her to lie down just beside me. this is a moment to remember, hence i write. so rare, i barely experience this kind of cuddling moment with mom my entire life. wait, i love to call her "boru huruk, lalap na muruk" instead. huruk - her last name is Simanihuruk , i shortly call it huruk - is basically a bataknese kinship term. here i give you a clearer idea, my name is Legacy Sifra Sihaloho, you can tell that my clan is Sihaloho , it comes from my father's clan. mama and papa love to call me boru loho . until here, i hope u get a better understanding. whereas lalap na muruk simply means always angry. yes, she is. for some reasons, - maybe one of them is because she is a good mom or maybe because she is not - she likes to scold on anything, especially

"why we are created to this world, isn't it only God who knows it? as He is the creator? why are people so rushed to know their purpose in life? what's next? what's next after finding out the 'why'?" and those questions gave birth to one other: "how do you even know if u've found out?" i asked mr rico. he asked me back if i know the story of Noah. what has he done? created an ark. what for? for saving his life and his fam's. who ordered him? Jesus! then i suppose i know the answers to my wonders, he said. if noah has not been given a 'purpose' for his life, he wouldn't have been able to save his and his fam's life, as well as fulfilling God's other requests. what distinguish the story to our nowadays life is that God didn't literally asked us to build an ark! he then asked me to mention one example of building an ark in our nowadays life. i couldn't find one, especially personal ones. it's the same thing li

HIII YALL. i know u miss me righttt, i leave you waiting for days (as if im a famous blogger or what xixixi). just wanna give myself some time. cause i started processing this challenge as a burden oh no. i really wanna keep myself writing everyday, at least accomplishing this 30 days challenge. but it's real hard when ur heart just dont wanna synergize and ur brain dont wanna start producing words. i really dont want to lose my authenticity. and at this very point, i couldnt lower my perfectionism. to finish one day challenge, it took me hourS. going into details, every word matters. maybe this time it seems like i cant be consistent and therefore i take you guys and girls in my journey. also, adding a simple life update: ive been reading Becoming by Michelle Obama. and to be real honest i loveeee love it. i kinda think this 30 days challenge will take more than 30 days for sure. not promising u anything, but will definitely come back so soon. X

I am confident that I am capable and professional enough to write today's page as my track record is showing me that I've been working on myself as a 'single' for almost 2 decades: 17 years. Yet one thing that worried me is I don't actually know if I am single and happy. Or I am happy because I am single. Or I am single because I am happy. You know? Whatever.  Regardless, any way you wish to name me, be it single or taken, at the end of the day it's just a label. It's a status. You could be having a crush on a gymnast-muscular-big guy, and he apparently has the same feeling towards you (which is lucky you), but you two don't have the so-called 'taken' status, the fact is you could still simply be a happy person. It works on the other way around. Minor sum up: the status of your relationship should not determine your happiness.  What makes me become overly complicated is that the title really talks about being single and happy as if they are conne

Hi, Pa, Ma. I'm sitting on my bed now, in front of this thing illuminating my room with its blue light, holding myself back to not shed tears. I am overwhelmed by the scenery: the photo of you both and the title 'Your Parents.' Giving a stare only for a second to this scenery has provided me with moments to recall thousands of memories, split second abducting me to a loop of reminiscence. It's like recorded moments inserted in a tape were played on an immense screen then showing me all the scenes from the past. Do you want to know what is dominantly coloring the sights in my head? Do you want to know what it looks like? It is safe to say that this is the best movie I've ever watched. I would recommend this to anyone and everyone. But unfortunately the feelings would not be the same for them. I've tried to recall a snippet of bad memories you both have given me. All the scolds, curses, or anything unpleasant to me. I failed the first try, then I could remember. A

@pinterest - UCEAP It was one typical noon - lying on my bed, basically doing nothing - when a travel video popped out on my Youtube suggested videos. 'Why not give this a sight?' but sounded more like an insistence for me to just click it, nothing else I'd do I thought. The video was recorded at Jerusalem during nights approaching - and until - Christmas and new year. One video led to another video, it was like a series. These videos were simple. There was no aesthetic shot, time-lapse of the city in the night captured from great height, or infographic about these sites they were visiting. There was only this one famous vlogger - known also as an actress in Indonesia - with her group viewing lots of places there. And as simple as it is, that made the video feel different. Honest and transparent. Happiness, awe, serene, and these feelings were deep. I was in tears. I made a promise: I will one day see myself having a step on this land. As the title said 'places': pl

  I was crying, crying out happy tears. Overwhelmed by the feeling of honor and gratitude. Thoughts were wandering, 'Do I even deserve this? Is this even real? No, I don't want to find the answers now, I am just really happy.' - "Please, write this down on your book. I give you time." said Mr. Budi. I was stuck in the middle of, I'm not gonna lie, an actual tedious physics class. I was pondering on how to release myself out of this hell when a senior knocked on the door. "Excuse me, can I ask for a time, please? The following names I will mention, please follow me..." he paused for one second and "...Thaniya, Michael, Christofer, and Legacy." There my name is. He mentioned it I believe. "Thank God" I whispered. Later did I learn that it was the beginning of everything - everything about this memory. Papa said just go for it. Mama a bit hesitated. I made the move, certainly after asking God for an accord. I was going to sign up for

im not forgetting this challenge, for sure. just the whole day been cursing this laptop cuz it's not doing its job. but yea, made it to here. - for something that is so obvious to me, the answer is yes: kids. i can be super emotional looking at these photos of me and them. my eyes are sweaty, my heart melts. i mean, in a good way tho. they make me happy, really happy. not happy like if u got a candy or what, but it feels like there is joy in meeting these souls. the connection that is established by first looking through their eyes, hugging them, talking to them is indescribable. pure, raw, innocent, honest: providing the energy of joy and happiness. this is a major matter to make me become one happy soul. but to have been living 17 years on this planet, i have discovered - will always discover - lots of things honestly to boost my mood, make myself happy. a good book, sweet popcorn, morning bikes or chloe ting, a mama hug, reply 1988, a sexy dance, a freak dance, evening reflectio

baby bangs, red lip, and thumb stuck between the teeth: weird but rare. plus the audacity of myself claiming that i am weird but rare. - there is this one picture of mine painted by my father, hung on one of the sidewalls of my room. you can see it clearly - obvious, enormous - by the time you enter the room. it's me. my face was a color of chestnut - papa pictured it a bit darker than i actually was - with brick as its background, providing the nuance of warmth, exotic. hair rested on the shoulder, i was smiling so calmly - serene, peaceful - to the camera as it was behind me. my hip was kind of twisted, showing just the right side of my body. my posture was firm but relaxed. and the eyes, the eyes were round and sparkling, representing contentment, resilience, but also fragility at the same time, sensitive. every time i was sad, i was feeling oddly even worse when i look at the smiling picture, "why are you always smiling? you are not all that happy soul?" but every tim

it has been the hardest for me to create new routine! (who hasn't?) but, why not give this a try? soooo let's see how i will be coping with this in the upcoming 30 days. anyway, got this challenge from twitter (u better not visit my page, there is nothing there but my rantings <3) w out further adooooo lesgo start this challenge. #fingercrossed

hi. i know, i know it's awkward, real awkward. i just read my first post and didn't even make it until the end :D idek honestly why did i put the title as like i wanted to leave people wondering about why i come back blogging, as like it's a mysterious thing, and as like anyone will actually do care? but, my first intention from the very LAST YEAR - yeahhh last year, isnt it crazy? - the first time i start this blog, still remains the same: i want to tell stories of mine without having to care about anything: grammar mistakes, punctuation, or basically any possible errors! so hopefully what people might think about whatever i write in this blog will be the least thing for me to put on my 'concern-list'. i just discovered - more like rediscovered - that i like writing sm! i have been journalling quite a lot recently. and tonight as i have just done showering, i took my laptop out intending to do lesson plan for teaching purposes, but somehow i managed to go thru ch

i always want to have something like this. a place for me to express myself without have to think about people would see me or think about the perfect grammar or punctuation. i do have a diary (it's actually 2), one is my diary book and the other is my microsoft word diary. i started writing my first diary when it was the first day of january in 2018. and apparently i started writing my diary in my laptop since i found myself really lazy to write in the book LOL.  i basically don't know what to write as the first topic. this post has become a draft since last month and i just found the mood to write today and perhaps ill go post it today. lets talk about my childhood then. when i was a kid i used to live as an extremely happy girl. people could see me really cheerful. i didn't think i feel pain. my mom and my dad were loving me hardly. until i got my first huge problem pretty fast, it was in my last year at primary. yea, friendship problem. as a kind of problem commonly e